Sweetheart Kitaeus
by NeedaBETA
Summary: Warning: Bartimaeus has a potty mouth and is fond of leg straddling/strangling. This is my tiny compilation of major Kitaeus headcannons, and what ifs senarios. What if Faquarl didn't die? What did our beloved terrorist rebel do after Ptolemy's Gate? Bartimaeus being messed with by everyone while "You had a bad day" plays somewhere.
1. Say my name

"It's fine. Come'ere." The boy on her bed wasn't Ptolemy or Gargoyle, but an older boy with wings. What did it

matter? He still had the same soft dark voice. He still looked around the room with that smooth, perfect, careful

nature. It was Bartimaeus, no alteration of essence could ever change that.

"No way!"

"Just one night! You're such a chicken!"

"No!"

Her bedspread squeaked. The closet door was pulled open. She blinked up at an angry Bartimaeus before he

grabbed her hand, pulling her from the closet. They sat on her bed together.

"Why can't you sleep on the floor?"

"Because it's cold. Brrr!" A little acid crept in Bartimaeus' previously sweet tempered tone.

"You're a fire demon!"

The boy made a face and crossed his arms.

"Fine! I'll take the floor, then."

"But I need to be close, in case a djinni gets you."

Kitty frowned. Shyly, she glanced sidelong at the demon. Should she tell him? He had a penchant for taking things

badly.

"I'm afraid..."

"That I'll eat you. News flash, your grimy guts take weeks to floss out of my essense."

Bartimaeus blinked entirely black eyes. "And, I'm as likely to eat you as Ptolemy."

"Oh...I'm still scared though." Kitty rolled her eyes, scrunching her butt to the corner of her bed, far away from the

demon. "I can't help my nature."

"That's a pretty specific fear to be in your nature. Come back here."

A hand she was helpless to resist grabbed her shoulder and tugged her against his side. He draped an arm over

her casually. The demon felt really warm. It was like being friends with a cheerful little fire. "Not so bad, see?"

Bartimaeus smiled at her friendly-ly. Or maybe he thought so. The smile was too damn fierce to not be Other Place.

It grossed her out seeing him trying to connect with her like a human would. Did he think she was stupid? Scratch

that.

"Uh..." She choked, and angled her body away from him. On the other hand...it was kind of cute.

"You're really pissing me off, Kitty."

Kitty turned her head.

"Uh, Kitty?"

Kitty's face felt hot. Did his voice always purr seductively? What the hell, he had the most perfect skin tone. He

smelled like rosemary. It smelled nice, but what had his previous master been doing to him?

"Hmm." The purr in his voice was absent. It sounded straight forward.

Surprised, she glanced curiously -yet was still shy, still guarded- at the demon. The friendly smile was entirely gone.

"I think that's only part of your problem. You're afraid of something else."

"What?" She murmured interested.

"Gee, let me think." Bartimaeus smiled, but it wasn't pleasant at all.

His arm around her shoulder tightened, pulling her close to his face. Her face burned until she felt dizzy. She slapped

her hands to her face.

"Do you have any concept of personal space, demon?"

The demon raised his arm from her shoulder, and pushed her backwards with the other.

"Oh, that does it."

Kitty hit the bed with a soft plumph. She frowned. She had a bad feeling. From the vicinity of her eyes, her bedroom

walls were horizon-level, and the bed ground level, and Bartimaeus was a giant stony gargoyle blotting out the

horizon with fifteen-feet wingtip to wingtip, hovering midair. Kitty gasped. And Bartimaeus swooped. Kitty was

flooded with tangling feathers. She had the breath knocked out of her as the demon straddled her stomach. He was

back to older guy form. And that was too close for Kitty.

"Demon! Let me go!"

"It's. Djinni." He snapped acidly.

"LEMME GO, DAMN IT!"

"Wow, your skin is all red!" He blinked demonic eyes. "Do you have a condition? Because humans faces don't

normally do that-"

"I WAS SUNBURNED!-"

"-Unless they're around someone who gets them excited. Is that...Me?" He pointed to himself with convincing

innocence.

"SHUT YOUR FACE THIS INSTANT!"

The demon raised an eyebrow at her.

She took a deep calming breath. "What can I do for you, demon?"

"First off, it's djinni."

Kitty struggled to not roll her eyes.

"Go on." He snapped.

She said nothing.

"I can do this allll night human."

"Djinni." She muttered.

"Now my name."

Kitty bit her lip. "Why?"

"Do I just call you human? No. And I have a name too."

Kitty shrugged. "You just did call me human."

"Human." He growled.

She flinched, "Bartimaeus?"

"Yeah?" He answered automatically.

"Get off of me."

Shit, the cute factor on this demon murderer was going to kill her. She could just imagine him working in a restaurant uniform asking customers 'May I help you?'. Shut up imagination!


	2. Nothing to do but annoy you

"What?"

"What?"

"I asked you first."

"Well, I asked you second."

"I'm serious."

"Okay. Hi, I'm Bartimaeus."

"Answer my question!"

"What question?!"

"You're insuferable!"

"No. I'm Bartimaeus."


	3. The last thing they expected

"What? Kitty. What?" Irritation and urgency, that was Bartimaeus.

He watched little bits of her spazzy arms spaz with dark eyes. His calming alabaster eyes took every detail in.

"I-It's fine!" Kitty screamed, desperate and panicky. That was her true form. It was not fine.

"Damn, Kitty. Shit." Bartimaeus cursed. "Your aura is all blue."

Did the demon really expect her to understand what that meant? The flat of her arm hit the door hard, sweeping it

open. She rushed inside. Her legs sped her really fast to the fosset. She opened the handle full blast and ducked

her head in the sink, gathering up water in her mouth and shooting swallows down. A petulant knock on the door.

"Kitty. Unlock the door."

She'd locked the door? She didn't remember doing it, but Kitty had a habit of locking when upset. A louder knock.

Then scilence. A yellow abdomen spider trickled inside beneath the doorframe. It reformed itself into one skinny

armed boy she knew well. The boy pinched the bridge of his nose, breathed deeply, and exploded.

"Why is your aura all blue?!"

She withdrew her head. She stared at his frustrated face, seeing the concern. Tears dribbled down her cheeks,

because she hated lying to a boy like him.

"I'm f-f-fine!"

He had his hands on his hips. "That's total bull!"

She shoved past him. Lugging her butt to her bed, she crawled on top of wrinkled bed sheets and curled in a

pathetic ball. Bartimaeus was already there. It was very horrible and shocking to see him right there watching her

be distressingly out of shape. Bartimaeus blinked slowly. Cold dark eyes locked the brown in place. Kitty felt herself

freeze. He touched a strand of her hair, wet from crying, and flicked it over her ear.

"Tell me." The boy's dark eyes were bottomless pits.

"I'm weak, and that's why he died." She confessed easily.

His eyes pinched together so he looked sleepy. His thin lips parted as he asked the question he didn't want to ask,

but did anyway.

"Who?"

"Nathaniel."

Bart shrugged. "Magicians are good at dying for empty causes."

His words were careless and bitter, and Kitty was insulted. Bartimaeus pulled her close beside him and kissed her

head. He took her hand in his.

"They have no consideration for the ones they leave behind."

She felt her heart fissuring apart. It really hurt more than she expected. At turns in each day, she would suddenly

remember thousands of tiny things about Nathaniel. Before he died, she had felt his personality click in place in her

heart. He was an important piece of her. The memory of waking to the pressure of Mandrake's hand in hers, was

still fresh.

"Were you holding my hand?" "No." "Good.". The giant bleeding mess of flesh that had been a smooth arm, ripped

away, still haunted her. Thinking of him was something she couldn't stop. Her lungs quickly took in air and took it

out.

"I think...I think my lung is punctured. You should go." Thin arms encircled her waist, sitting her on his lap.

(Thankfully, Bartimaeus Ptolemy was wearing pants and a shirt.) Soft hands brushed her hair from her face, wiped

her tears, rubbed her arms comfortingly. More tears spilled from her eyes. Ptolemy wiped the tears with both

pinkies. It would have been cute, if it had been Mandrake. This was Bartimaeus, murderer of hundreds of demons

and countless masters. He had her so close, it would barely take a flick of his wrist to end her. As if reading her

mind, he frowned.

"Relax Kit. I'm your friend. You miss him. I've carried Ptolemy with me for thousands of years. I still miss my friend

loads."

Her frown lifted. "Really? You'll stay with me a while?"

Kitty felt him tense. He relaxed. "Well, you listened to me, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did."

Curling up on his lap and closing her eyes, she gasped brokenly and cried more. Bartimaeus rubbed her back

helpfully. It was really weird, but she needed it.

"I c-can't st-stop missing him. H-he's such a prick." A really fascinating prick she can't stop thinking about.

Kitty felt his arm tighten around her, pulling her closer to him. As if he could sheild her with his body. It was really

cute and pathetic, and she really needed it. She snuggled close. Somewhere between sobbing and admitting she

did love Nathaniel, she had cried herself out. Bart shut up and didn't comment. Exhausted and trembling, she slept

on a demons lap utterly defenselessly. Like an idiot. The demon who was battered and abused, tired and very old,

let her.


	4. What's on the menu?

In the morning Kitty looked terrible. Her eyes were swollen and bluging. Her face was crusty and her throat cracked

when she coughed in her sleep. And it was embarassing, and I wanted to turn into a crow and fly away. Not the

Kitty looked terrible part, but the Kitty falling asleep on my lap part. Well, uncomfortable as that sounded, it wasn't

even that. What bothered me was I'd fallen asleep, not slumbered like djinni do. I had SLEPT on the bed, Kitty

snoring softly on my chest. I had SLEPT on the bed, though. Djinni don't sleep...but maybe I'd just gotten better at

drowsing. Maybe. Kitty's stomach grumbled-more like roared ferociously. Her chin rested just bellow my collarbone,

as her soft warm eyes peered between bruised eyelids...right into my face, five inches away. I coughed loudly.

Kitty frowned. "You stayed the whole night?"

I winced. Simultaneously, Kitty sat up and I pushed her away. Her feet dropped on carpet and she dutifully plucked

snotty tissues off the carpet. The amount of snot that can come from human noses is astounding. It's a mirecal the

streets aren't paved in bogies. She trooped out of her room, threw the tissues in the trash. As I watched she

cracked open a big white box thing with two doors on it.

I laughed. "Me? Stay the whole night? No, you grabbed myhand in a death grip and I couldn't..."

Hang on, that was pretty transparent.

Kitty's already narrowed eyes formed slits. She broke an egg on a skillet, but said nothing.

"Uhm...I didn't want to wake you...by moving. You were sleeping on me, see. The pressure was too much...I couldn't

get up..." I fibbed, waving my arms around.

"A slumber party with a demon." Kitty punched eggs open. "I can't even look at you."

"Tell me about it, your eyes are swollen shut." I snarled. There was that stupid word again. Demon.

Kitty waved me off. "Why didn't you leave? Just tell me. Because I swear it can't be worse than anything I could

imagine."

"Oh, look. I'd love to stay and answer petty questions, really. But there's a portal opening to the other place with

my name on it, so...Bye." I snapped.

The eggs hissed and bubbled on a hot coil. I sniffed the air.

"What's that smell?"

"I thought you had a portal with your name on it?"

I shoved Kitty a little, leaning over the heavenly smell of...eggs.

"It smells...different."

"Oh, sure." Kitty rolled her eyes. "Want me to get you egg perfume?"

I automatically grabbed the pan and tipped the contents in my mouth. I swallowed.

Kitty and I froze two full seconds.

"What?" Kitty blinked. She rubbed her eyes. "What?"

"Uh. Um." What had I just done? I was horrified.

"Wait, I thought demons didn't eat actual food."

"Djinni eat the occasional human or imp but people food...I'm ravenous, Kitty."

Kitty's eyes hardened and she stepped back from me.

I rolled my eyes. "For eggs, Kitty."

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...that's all I have right now. :) This was Bartimaeus' first dish and eggs are sort of plain. I wanted to feed him something awesomely dilicious or maybe a grapefruit. What would you have fed Bartimaeus on his first human food tasting?


	5. A very bad day

Bartimaeus POV

-"I pity you Bartimaeus." Faquarl stroked a fingernail on a gleaming knife. "You will be disgusted with yourself."

I opened my mouth to say something clever and sassy. But the silver penetrating my essense interupted me.

"Goodbye now Bartimaeus." Faquarl quipped and jumped out the window in gryphon form.

Meanwhile I turned my essense into a vaporous mini tornado and fled the scene. What happened then was as

follows: Faquarl found me again, and we smashed an office floor fighting. Another floor later I realized I must be

halucinating. And then I felt a terrible ache in my essense for physical contact. And that was when I found Kitty.

Kitty, a person I knew. Kitty. I was really happy, don't ask me why. The terrible ach intensified. I tripped and

knocked her over with my fall. And then...well, Faquarl must have poisoned me...I kissed Kitty. No, that's not an

ancient figure of speech.

Kitty Jones POV

- A figure came barreling in from the corner of Kitty's eyes. Before she had a chance to wonder what it was, the dark

shape collided with her body and she and it crashed into sidewalk. Claws trailed up her back and mashed her

against the dark shape. Kitty desperately ripped a iron skull ring from her back pocket. She shoved this at her

attacker. But not before her lips were brushed with the creature's lips. Something about the claws and the lips felt

nostalgic. The thing yelped and jumped back just as Kitty's hands closed on it's wrist. Kitty flipped it, landing it on its

head with a nice crack noise.

"Ow Kitty, ow!" An Egyptian boy righted himself.

"Bartimaeus?" Kitty shrieked, her mind a cloud of emotions. "What are you doing?!"

Bartimaeus' clothes were infested with rips and his breathing was jagged. His black eyes had a dark aura she'd

always found charming. Now, She saw something threatening in them. Bartimaeus' dark eyes gleamed with

danger,"Go on. Ask me how my day was."

She really wished he had something of substance to say. Kitty didn't stop to double think it. She hit him with an iron

skull fist punch. Bartimaeus slumped against her, out like a light. Kitty touched her red face. Her mind set up house

in the gutter and was already replaying her chance encounter with the demon. His claws on her back, the way his

arms pulled her against his chest. Bartimaeus' weird lips. That weird kiss, ancient and flimsy. Kitty stamped her foot

and screamed angrily. She had a crush on a weirdo demon.


	6. Bloody slits and revenge

Kitty breathed a heavy breath. Why had she brought herself and the demon here? She had walked them right in the

lion's mouth. Kitty grabbed a hunk of broken glass, her body shaking, and she cut herself on it.

"Put that down." A voice beside her comanded.

"I-I can fight."

"Not this many."

The voice belonged to a short, caramel skinned boy of twelve in egyptian cloth.

"Shut up demon." She hissed, trembling.

She felt like a metaphorical Chinese dragon was about to shoot through her ribs. Something hidden in her she'd

been fighting down. Anger, cruelty, fear?

"I can do this. These are the magicians who killed my friends. I will avenge them today, for everything they took

from my friends and me."

She raised her weapon, holding it tight, cutting her skin on the glass' surface. Thick trails of blood slipped down her

wrist. Bart watched her from the corner of his right eye, his cheeks upturned. His body was tense, his eyes focused

on the three hundred advancing magicians. His dark eyes filled with a future he learned to see from 5000 years of

experience. Bart kicked Kitty in the head. Kitty feinted, Bart barely managing to catch her.

"Maybe you can, Kitty. But I can't watch you."

Bart pried her bloodied fingers curled around the glass apart. He ripped her sleeve swiftly, bandaging her ripped

and bleeding hand.

"Upsy-whatever." He murmured softly, sweeping Kitty up and carrying her bridal style.

Bartimaeus the Ptolemy transformed that second to stony gargoyle. It raised enormous fourteen-foot wings, ran,

lifting off. Fifteen feet in the air and rising, Bartimaeus began to relax. No sooner did a barrage of silver tipped

arrows tear his essence. The gargoyle twisted and yelped, the extra weight combined with injuries too much. The

clunky gargoyle and passed out Kitty fell fast.


	7. Under cover of wings

Kitty had been dreaming something soft and now her eyes opened a little. She was laying on something hard, grey

clouds surrounding her. It must be about to storm, but Kitty felt warm. Her head was clouded nausiatingly. To not

puke, she closed her eyes and breathed for ten minutes. Kitty's brain felt like it was doing the wave inside her skull.

She bit her lip to focus, and shifted.

"Stay still." A voice murmured close beside her.

"Ugh." Kitty slapped the wall of grey. Her hand hit warm rock. "Who?"

"Who do you think, idiot?"

"My head is funny." Kitty moaned quietly.

"Oh. Uh, sorry?"

"I can't see you. Where'd all the light go?"

"Shut up and be quiet." The voice hissed angirly.

"There's too much grey. Too warm. Ugh." Kitty moaned louder.

"Where are you?" Kitty reached her palms, touching a bumpy wall of solid, warm, rock.

"Stop that!" A voice murmered irritably. The noise of gravel shifting, and the grey parted a little. A quarter-sized spot

of light lit Kitty's surroundings.

"Ah, light!" Kitty whispered, her eyes flicking around her. It didn't take her a nanosecond to see one grey sculpted

hand folded under her knees. She felt another hand supporting the small of her back. Kitty barely had time to see

she sat on a sculpted lap before the light died away. No matter, she was already beginning to recognize who "who

do you think?" was.

"Bartimaeus." She murmured, struggling to string thoughts together. "Why...why are we hiding under your wings?"

"I was hiding from the magicians while you were drooling on my knee." He snapped irritably.

Kitty blinked, and had a moment of rationality. Maybe the rationality would have continued if Kitty's head hadn't

been throbbing, making her feel like an entirely different person. But Kitty was warm, comfortable, except for her

head pulsing. She felt horrible. She sat up and snuggled in the crook of the gargoyle's neck, slumping herself on its

bumpy torso.

"Sleep now." She muttered. "We'll discuss this tomorrow."

The claws of the gargoyle tucked around the sides of her belly, pulling her closer.

"Sleep doesn't sound like a bad idea." For once she noted the exhaustion of Bart's tone. Stoney wings wrapped

around her back tensely. Bart was trying very hard with every last bit of strength to hide and shield Kitty under

cover of wings.


End file.
